Transforming Small Talk: Building Community Through Meaningful Conversations
The autumn air swirled around the skirt of my formal dress while jazz music filled the party tent. My husband and I were attending a work event, and I knew only a small handful of people there. The band was entertaining, and the food was delicious, but anyone who has been in a similar situation knows that engaging in small talk during cocktail hour can get dull and uncomfortable. Then, one of my husband’s colleagues turned to me with a warm smile and asked, “So Catherine, what has been the best part of your day?”
Instantly, I relaxed into a similar smile as I told her about the haircut I received earlier that morning. We swapped funny stories about haircuts and hairdos — both good and bad — and I found myself enjoying a friendly rapport with a woman I had just met. The party became much more fun after that conversation because I had a new friend to enjoy it with.
In the weeks that followed, I couldn’t stop thinking about the question she asked me and the impact it had on my night. I had already been asked, “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” several times. But her question, although equally simple, felt different, and I wanted to know why.
I found an answer in social psychologist Vanessa Van Edwards’ TEDxLondon talk titled, “You are contagious.” In it, she explains that when we are asked a question like, “Been busy lately?” our brains automatically start recalling examples of busyness and stress in order to answer it. If you ask questions that focus on positive or exciting answers like, “What has been the best part of your day?” you trigger a dopamine response in that person as they think about their answer. Then, as Van Edwards says, they can pass that excitement or happiness back to you through their vocal cues and micro expressions, triggering a dopamine response in your own brain.
As a wife and mother, I regularly find myself in situations that require small talk. I decided to put Van Edwards’ findings to the test to see if I could make small talk more enjoyable for both myself and others.
Taking Van Edwards’ advice, I started by brainstorming a list of conversation starters that could trigger a dopamine response. I will admit that this felt awkward at first, but I knew if I wanted to avoid the automatic answers that come after, “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?” I needed to be prepared. On Substack, I started a list, and some of my favorites included, “How do you spend your days?” “Is there anything you are looking forward to in the months ahead?” “What do you like about your job?” and “How did you choose the names for your children?” I tried to make these questions as inclusive as possible, recognizing that a simple question like, “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” can be challenging for someone who has just lost a job or moved around a lot as a child. Reframing these standard questions as “How do you spend your days?” or “How are you connected here?” not only circumvents our rote responses but also makes space for a wide variety of interpretations and answers.
I then took these questions on the road, asking them at the playground and parties. Many people reacted with surprise. In those moments, I realized I needed to be prepared to share my own answers first. Suddenly, I found myself telling people I just met about my beloved book club or my family’s annual camping trip. My answers often did the trick, inviting and inspiring other people to share something similar about themselves.
I found that these questions and their answers didn’t just make our conversation more interesting, it made our interaction more meaningful, giving me the chance to get to know someone on a deeper level in a short amount of time. It didn’t matter that the conversation often ended without me learning the name of their hometown or their job title at work. Instead, I came away with a better sense of each person as a whole, unique, and beloved human being.
In these conversations, I also had the opportunity to practice and observe “micro expressions.” I found that a genuine smile and kind, confident eye contact made the conversation more enjoyable, too. As I listened to people sharing about their home renovations or how they met their spouses, I found myself in awe of the beautiful smile lines near their eyes or the shimmer of gray in their hair when they laughed. In a society crammed with technology and AI, these human details and interactions felt precious and sacred.
Van Edwards says that these types of conversations make you more memorable, and my own experience confirms this. I’ve found that it is easier to remember conversations that are focused on the positive or joyful parts of a person’s life. This makes it simpler to follow up, or even pick up where we left off, the next time I see an acquaintance. It also helps me feel brave enough to invite someone to spend more time together if I can gain a good sense of who they are and whether we get along after one or two brief interactions. In this way, small talk has transformed from a burden into an opportunity to widen my circle of friends and strengthen my community.
Working on my conversation skills has taught me that small talk isn’t just an annoying part of adulthood. Rather, talking to someone I don’t know very well is a unique chance to practice curiosity and wonder. As I continue to practice and test these skills, I’m realizing that better conversations at school, work, or church can lead to new friendships and, therefore, stronger communities. At a time when many people feel isolated or alone, a few intentional changes to the way we approach the daily task of small talk could make a big difference in our lives.
